Everyone’s talking about querying these days, getting requests, getting rejections, how they got their agent, their writing process. Personally I want to see more people talking about mental health around querying. Not just that it’s a struggle, but how to maintain and even improve mental health while in the query trenches.
I’m currently querying my third novel and have always coped with rejection quite well. Even when my first book was agented and went on submission, it never broke me that I didn’t quite ‘make it’. I’ve had harder moments as well but used strategies to bounce back from them. I want to share all the things that have helped me cope with rejection while querying and on submission, in the hope that it can help you.
Self-care is essential
If you want to protect yourself from feeling defeated, miserable, depressed, hopeless (etc.) then you need to look after yourself first. And while you could get massages, splurge on fancy bath bombs, or buy yourself dozens of books, the most important self-care is the basics. Eat healthy food (at least the majority of the time), exercise often, get enough sleep, manage stress (as much as possible), and find joy and positive connection. The better you feel across these areas, the easier you will cope with rejections. You may not be able to achieve perfection in this (who ever can?!) but the more intentional you are about it, the more you set yourself up for success.
On a similar note, the more stress and challenges you’re facing on a daily basis will make a difference in all of this. If you’re having a day where everything seems to be going wrong, a rejection is going to land a lot harder than on days when you’re dancing through every hour. This makes it all the more important to look after yourself.
Reduce phone checks
Obsessive phone checking does nothing to help us while querying. As hard as it is, you’ve got to reduce the number of times you check your phone. There are two parts of this: during the night, and during the day.
Nighttime phone users: keep your phone out of your room. I made this change for my third time querying, and it has made a huge difference for my sleep. As an Australian querying mostly US and UK agents, the time zones work out that most of my query responses come overnight/early in the morning. With my last novel, I’d wake up often and check my phone for responses. This messed with my sleep a lot. By keeping my phone out of the room, I save myself a lot of unease and get better rest overall which means that when I do get up and check my phone and see those inevitable rejections, I’m better equipped to deal with it.
Daytime phone checkers: Have limits on how often you check your email throughout the day. If your notifications are on for emails, switch them off! Manually check your email as little as possible. It’s hard at first, but it does get easier. Keep your phone in a different room while you work/read a book/cook dinner etc. Whatever you’re doing, creating a little physical distance from your phone can help reduce that automatic habit to check it every five minutes. Put your energy and focus into your day—remember that your whole life deserves your energy. Don’t waste it waiting for replies. They will come when they come. Enjoy life, live now. Don’t pause it for a full request or agent offer—enjoy each day as it comes.
Pretend you’re an agent
One of the most helpful things for me when querying my last novel was reading a lot of novels and reflecting on whether or not I would represent them if I was an agent. For the querying part this is quick and simple: read the openings of a bunch of published books and decided if you would request them or not. If yes, read those books then decided if you would rep them. When I did this, I found that I was often hooked at the start of the book but somewhere along the line my passion fell away.
Getting into this headspace and pretending I was an agent helped me to ingrain in myself that agent rejections are not personal. We really are all such unique humans with unique interests, and it doesn’t always overlap, and that’s okay. The deeper you can plant this seed in your soul, the easier it will be to move past rejections.
Remember the long game of writing
Writing books is a huge, winding process, and you don’t know where you will end up. You do the best you can based on who you are and what you know right now. We all have room to grow and learn. Whatever happens with one particular book, it’s helping you to grow to be an even stronger writer. Never forget the authors who have queried multiple books (I’ve seen a few people at 10-12 before landing an agent!). They are your beacon of hope. One day, you could be in their place too. Don’t give up.
Mentally prepare for rejections (on queries and full requests)
Mentally prepare yourself for rejection on queries and on fulls. Agents will request your full and they will reject it. Consider authors who have 20+ full requests but then only get 1-3 offers by comparison (there’s nothing wrong only about getting a single offer, of course, but looking at the numbers can help).
First up, you can totally just tell yourself “I’m going to get rejections; it’s inevitable” and that can help, but if you want to be mentally prepared and protect your mental health, then do this:
Visualise getting rejections. Let yourself feel what that might be like (and if you’ve had rejections before, you know; take yourself back there, relive it). Next you’re going to visualise yourself coping with that rejection. Here’s an example of how I do that:
- Take some slow, deep breaths.
- Let the emotion (disappointment, sadness, doubt etc.) have a minute or two to be felt (feeling emotions fully is so important to be able to let them go).
- Remind myself that this is part of the process, it’s not personal, there’s a lot of hope left (I have more outstanding queries, more agents to query etc.)
- Remind myself that if things don’t work out with this book, it’s okay. I will be okay. My life is not dependent on the success with this one book.
- Bring myself back to the present moment, remembering that I have a life right now with many things to be grateful for, many things to focus on, and that’s where my energy needs to be.
- Move the rejection in a separate folder in my email—let it become a part of the past.
- Choose something else to put my focus on— whether it’s doing some dishes, having a cuddle with my 2-year-old, or doing some work—the day goes on.
By going through this process (or your own similar version), it will be a lot easier to get through those rejections. Mental rehearsal can make a huge difference as to whether you completely break down or shrug it off after mere minutes. Sure, the first few times you do it, it might be challenging, and you might forget half the steps. The emotions will wage a war before you can reel them in. But each time you do it, it will get easier. My process of dealing with a rejection takes a couple of minutes at most. Sometimes doubt or disappointment will linger for an hour or a few hours, but I keep bringing myself back to the present moment (and also visualising future success for hope and excitement).
Focus on other goals
I bet you’ve heard one writer or another say write the next book while you’re querying. It’s definitely great advice—it helps, a lot! If querying doesn’t work out (which, for most people, it won’t—a brutal fact), then having the next book in the works to give you another chance can help with your long-term focus. This can help keep present rejections in mind. It’s not the end of the road.
You don’t have to write another book or just write another book. Most people have goals in many areas of life, and writing can be so time consuming. If you want to take a break from writing, or spread your focus, work on something else too. Another craft project, a house project, a health project (become an exercise junkie—it’s a great distraction!), or a family/friendship project. It can be anything—just put your focus elsewhere because life is about more than just querying, more than just one project.
Don’t let the rest of your life slip by while you wait for agent (or editor) responses. Other areas of your life deserve your energy too.
Consider the worst case if querying doesn’t work out
It really is a brutal fact that for most writers, querying won’t lead to an agent. The number of querying writers is far greater than the number of agents. It’s simply impossible. Querying comes down to your need to have a great book, but it also comes down to chance: if the right agent for your book is open or not, other books agents already represent, competing projects in the query trenches, current market trends etc. While hope and manifestation are wonderful things, it’s also important to have realistic expectations—this journey may not work out for you, and then what? Hopefully you write the next book (or two or five or ten!) and keep fighting for it. Then when you do eventually land yourself, you’ll have multiple books to offer up to your future publisher!
You can also switch to self-publishing any time you want. And the absolute worst case? Maybe you give up the dream and focus on other areas of your life, but if you make that decision it won’t be out of hopelessness, it will be out of peace, and your life will go on, and you’ll be okay.
Final thoughts
Querying is tough, but it doesn’t have to dictate your whole life. Look after yourself, monitor your mindsets, and focus on other areas of your life, and you’ll be much more likely to cope.
Remember that your emotions are created by the stories you tell yourself. Change those stories and you’ll change the emotion. You can make yourself feel better—it may take hard work, but it is possible.
If you want to follow my own querying journey, you can sign up to my email list in the footer below. Every month I run a giveaway for 10,000 words critique for my email subscribers.
I would also love to hear about your own journey, and what has helped you most while querying! Comment below or send me an email at [email protected] – if you’re struggling, let’s chat!
Kathryn 😊
One Response
An interesting read. I enjoy writing but I’ve never found it all consuming because I have so many other things that fill up my life: kids, nursing, reasearch, friends, gardening, exercise …